12 Days....

So... on this the eve of 12 days til my divorce, I found this youtube video. It made me smile on a rather sad day...

You

How to Make Rockstars

First, bleach and toner....

Add a splash of color....

And a little bit more...





And a touch more....





Rinse and dry....



Now you've got Rockstars!!!

It's a Beautiful Day

The sun is absolutely beaming here today! In fact, it's been so gorgeous that words cannot even begin to sum up the majesty of it all. There's not a cloud in sight and the breeze is just enough to keep the heat alarming you as it quietly and thoroughly reddens and crisps your skin. It's funny how the weather sometimes dictates my mood. Maybe dictacte is too strong of a word; it's more of an often-overwhelming, sometimes-suffocating, incredibly-influencing kinda thing. What's the word for that? Well, whatever it is, that's how it's been, so I'm thankful that it's finally bright and sunny.




My Google, my youngest, graduated preschool on Friday night. He stood up there singing his little songs... "It starts in the heart, way down in the soul, that's the only place, the seeds of love can grow, when we realize, that we're not that far apart, we can build a bridge.... it starts in the heart." He was so adorable doing his little dance moves. He's got no rhythm... none at all. But he was grinning from ear-to-ear as he bee-bopped and bounced around, shaking in time with the beat. The music stopped, all was quiet as us parents anxiously waited on pin and needles for the next out-of-key notes to spill from their tiny mouths. My Elliot, the most adorable one of the preschool bunch, blurts out "Ma, did you see me rock out? I was better than them huh?"




"Of coure you are, Google!" Insert cheesy I'm-so-fucking-proud-of-my-boy smile here!




Friday was also my last day of work at my behavior therapist job. What an adventure of a job that was! My co-workers threw me a little going-away party; it was so bittersweet. It's tough when you start to lean on and really come to care for those you work with.... and you know you have to leave. But, hey, now we can all be buddies on Facebook, haha.







Starting tomorrow, I'm saying farewell to meat for three months. I'm needing a change in my life so I'm gonna do something drastic, like go Veg for a bit. It's not that I have some passionate agenda against eating meat... steak's my favorite! But, I figure I'll never know what it feels like to be vegetarian until I try it. So tomorrow's my first day.




Apparently what I'm going to do is going vegan! I think being vegan is more of a religious, spiritual thing... and that's so not me! But, I am saying toodles to anything that has a face or a developing face! Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

Acceptance

Worthless. Wasted flesh. Whore.

Those words, those fucking words, rang through my head as I tried desperately to drown them out with Rob Zombie's voice.

Worthless.

I couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't make it stop. I ran harder. I ran faster. My right knee was throbbing, screaming, begging me to stop. I ignored it. I pushed further. One mile? Done. I was still sobbing, crying like a forgotten bitch. I kept going.

Wasted flesh.

Again and again those words. Everybody's seen you; why should it matter now? You never talked to me. You talked to everyone else. You wanted everyone else. You're on your own now.
Three miles, done.

Jesus Christ, even my dog is whimpering now. My knees has gone numb. I can't gulp enough air in to fuel my sobbing. Five miles...

Whore.

Down to my knees, I fell. But this time there was nothing sexual about it. Broken. Defeated. Shattered... I wailed there, right there in the middle of the road in broad daylight. The tiny bits of rocks and small gravel dug into my bare flesh.

I don't know if I still believe in you; fuck, I really don't think I do. But damnit, if you're there, if you're really as aware and big as they all fucking say you are... I've got nothing left.

Worthless.

Wasted flesh.

Whore.

Tears that earlier stubbornly refused to fall finally cease. I scratched my dog's head and smiled at him. He raised his ears and glanced towards home. I nodded and got up. Slowly, intentionally, I walked home.

Acceptance.

Long Way to Happy

One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Left my childhood behind

In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
too young to know i had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lose it
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long, long, long, long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
'cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

I was informed....

.... the world does NOT, I repeat, NOT revolve around me.

Shocked? Me too! But apparently, it's true.

I'm Ready

You know what I love more than anything else -- revelation.

That kinda sounds odd, but revelation, the opening of one's eyes, truly seeing something for what it was, is, and will be... is freeing in the most beautiful of ways. Even in the death of what was once my life, there's tremendous revelation. I can now say that I know precisely what I want and exactly what I won't settle for.

A month ago, I couldn't have done the things I've done in the past four weeks. Two months ago, I thought I knew how this would all play out; I thought I knew what strength was. Three months ago, I was convinced that this was all my fault.

Today, though, today I have revelation. Sure, life isn't peachy keen at the moment, and who knows how long it'll be before it gets back there. But, fucking hell, I'm still breathing! The things that I knew for sure would torment me forever no longer do.

In January, on the first I think, I said I was ready to face 2010 and everything that comes with it... I know what that means now. I'm ready to face the end of this chapter, ready to close it and move on. I'm ready to face moving back to Alaska on my own; I'm ready to face long, lonely nights in my own bed. But most importantly, I'm ready to face being my boys' mom... on my own. I'm ready to make them my priority; I'm ready to give my all to them.

With these new revelations, I am ready.

I realized, officially, last night that my marriage is completely over. I suppose I have been holding out hope, subconsciously thinking that maybe I'd start to matter to him again. I won't. I don't.

But, before this realization fully sunk in, I called him.... it was the second time since everything went down that I called him, crying, yelling, begging him to just take notice of me. His eyes have been caught by another though. And, it seems he's finally getting the attention I never gave him. He's finally found someone who is not going to ignore him, turn to another, shut off, or transform into a frigid bitch. He's... replaced me.

I knew it would happen. I told everyone that I hoped he'd find someone he could trust. I said all the right things and smiled at the right times. But then it happened. Then he really did. And, I cried ridiculous amounts of hopeless tears. I made it all day with my boys.... holding those tears in. When we got home, I hid in the bathroom and sobbed. For an hour.

I'm so angry at him. So entirely consumed with anger. When I was there, when I was doing everything just to get his attention, when I NEEDED him, he fucking wasn't there. And, I never was enough. It was only after I fully tuned out that he opened up. And, then... he gave me six days to sort through everything I was feeling. Six days. I gave him my life, you know? I asked for time... I asked for space... I asked for a separation so we could both find ourselves. He gave me six days.

I'll never understand why I wasn't important to him. I'm not sure I'm going to be okay.

Regardless, though, I won't call him again. Not like that. Not with the hopes that he'll actually hear what I'm saying or that he'll actually be interested or give a damn as to what's going on with me.

It's going to be a tough week.

A really tough week.

My Elliot

My Elliot

This boy made my day today!

With the biggest grin, he wrapped his little arms around me and said, "Mama, I can wrap my arms more better around you!"

"Awww, give me a kiss, Google!" (I call him Google)

"No way! You're not that cute, Mama."

And off he went...

I didn't even need the hug!

Random

I joined a softball team last night! Sure, I'll miss half the season, but I joined up anyway. It'll be a great way to meet new people and get outside my comfort box. Plus, I haven't played softball since I was 14... it'll be nice to get back into something.


Yesterday, I walked 9.75 miles in 143 minutes. It's not that fast, but I'm getting faster. It'd be great to be able to run those miles, but SOMEONE said walking, when going at a rate of 5 mph or faster, burns more calories than running. I believe him (he had proof -- I had no choice!) so I'm walking. Usually, I can get a mile done in 12 minutes. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I'll be under that soon enough!


I've got a job interview, via phone, today. I'm nervous, but not devastatingly so. I've done this type of work for so long now... it's just who I am. This company offers advancement and will pay for additional schooling. Thank fuck for that! At 27, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up -- an early intervention specialist. Bring on more classes!


My boys have been driving me bonkers lately. It's really tough doing this on my own. Sure, their father calls them, but it's not quite the same, you know? I'm learning that I need to be okay on my own... without another person in my life filling the role that my soon-to-be-ex once filled. Although, sometimes when I'm really stressed, I want nothing more than to walk inside our house and see him there.


Now that the tears are threatening to fall again, I think it's time to get out there and get my miles done.


Toodles for now, Bloggers!!

My Andrew

My Andrew

Yesterday, I had the morning off from work -- Wooohooo!! When I have the morning off, my boys, our Nova Nova, and I walk to school. So while we're walking and my youngest is telling me all about Rollie Pollies, this beat-up, blue Honda speeds past us.

My middle, my Andrew, raises his fist and shakes it at the sky, exclaiming to that piece-of-shit car... "Slow down, DOUCHEBAG!!!"

Hidden laughter welled up inside of me; a small smirk played at my lips. "Son, that's an adult word."

He grinned with those big, blue eyes dancing in delight as he relished in his very triumphant moment. "Well, I'm just practicing for when I'm adult, Ma."

"Oh, you are, huh?"

"Mhmmm, that's a hella funny word, Mom"

Fuck, he is his mother's son!

My Today

I walked 7 miles today.

I said no to cake, pie, cookies, and chocolate. I submitted to the chips and salsa that were calling my name.

I grilled the best ribeye ever.

I sold my wedding rings.

I called a friend, looking for a friendly ear, only to hear her tell me that the solution to my problem is to find some no-name, random fuck.

I rented the car for another week. I paid for it myself. I handled it myself.

I put some more of our stuff on craigslist. I've no use for it any longer.

I dealt with financial crisis concerning my classes. I figured out a payment plan that may allow me to just pay for it without taking out more loans.

I taught my youngest to tie his shoes. I watched his face light up with pride.

I listened to my oldest tell the story of how he killed the biggest jumping spider ever to his brothers. I watched his face glow as he puffed out his chest and exclaimed that he was brave.

I wiped away the tears from my little boy's eyes as he told me how he 'wished you two could stop being mad at each other.'

I held him close and said, "Me too, baby, me too."

I cried. Behind sunglasses with muffled groans, I cried on the drive home. I held my shoulders back into the seat, unwilling to let them hunch forward. I refused to let myself cry more than the drive home.

I took my boys to the park. They rode their scooters and bikes alongside me and cheered me on as I jogged.

All these things I did... on my own, without you. All these things I faced.... on my own, without you.

All these things prove I'm going to be okay... on my own, without you.

The Beginnings of My To-Do List

1: Forgive him.

2: Take my boys blueberry picking at Sheep Mountain.

3: Learn how to gut a salmon.

4: Spend Christmas in New Zealand!

5: Become an Early Intervention Specialist.

6: Ride the train down to Seward.

7: Learn the guitar... finally.

8: Wander the streets of some small town in Ireland.

9: Meet Jacqui!!!

10: Take my boys to Disney World... on my own! :)

11: Ditch all this extra weight.

12: Take a cruise.

13: Ride a roller coaster.

14: Try one new recipe each week.

15: Keep up with blogging.

16: Save $25,000 in my savings account.

17: Learn to be still.

18: Play pool.

19: Actually go to Vegas for a Girls Night Out Weekend.

20: See Hawaii for myself.

21: Make out in an alley.

22: Try my hand at making pottery.

23: Take massage therapy classes.

24: Finally, get a tan!!!

25: Spend time in Mexico.

26: See what the fuss is about Puerto Rico.

27: Go back to that huge ass mall in Edmonton!

28: Buy another house; this time, on my own.

29: Participate in a marathon.

30: Watch a rowing race.

31: Camp down on the pennisula with my boys.

32: Get another tattoo.

33: Ask a guy out.

34: Try downhill skiing again.

35: Take my boys sledding down five mile run!

36: Kiss my love under the Northern Lights.

37: Get back into volunteering with Special Olympics again.

38: Take some cake-decorating classes.

39: Figure out how to grill the perfect steak!

40: Get one of those hot rocks massages.

41: Fly first class.

42: Get over my beef with God.

43: See a Broadway show.

44: Learn to shoot a gun.

45: Roam New York City.

46: Ride that sling shot ride at the State Fair.

47: Cash $1000 and blow it on one helluva fun day with my boys!

48: Stay up drinking and chatting all night with Jacqui while in NZ!

49: Have a one-night stand.

50: Love someone fully.

51: Go out dancing.

52: Learn sign language.

53: Pay off my student loans.

54: Finish this list...