12 Days....

So... on this the eve of 12 days til my divorce, I found this youtube video. It made me smile on a rather sad day...

You

How to Make Rockstars

First, bleach and toner....

Add a splash of color....

And a little bit more...





And a touch more....





Rinse and dry....



Now you've got Rockstars!!!

It's a Beautiful Day

The sun is absolutely beaming here today! In fact, it's been so gorgeous that words cannot even begin to sum up the majesty of it all. There's not a cloud in sight and the breeze is just enough to keep the heat alarming you as it quietly and thoroughly reddens and crisps your skin. It's funny how the weather sometimes dictates my mood. Maybe dictacte is too strong of a word; it's more of an often-overwhelming, sometimes-suffocating, incredibly-influencing kinda thing. What's the word for that? Well, whatever it is, that's how it's been, so I'm thankful that it's finally bright and sunny.




My Google, my youngest, graduated preschool on Friday night. He stood up there singing his little songs... "It starts in the heart, way down in the soul, that's the only place, the seeds of love can grow, when we realize, that we're not that far apart, we can build a bridge.... it starts in the heart." He was so adorable doing his little dance moves. He's got no rhythm... none at all. But he was grinning from ear-to-ear as he bee-bopped and bounced around, shaking in time with the beat. The music stopped, all was quiet as us parents anxiously waited on pin and needles for the next out-of-key notes to spill from their tiny mouths. My Elliot, the most adorable one of the preschool bunch, blurts out "Ma, did you see me rock out? I was better than them huh?"




"Of coure you are, Google!" Insert cheesy I'm-so-fucking-proud-of-my-boy smile here!




Friday was also my last day of work at my behavior therapist job. What an adventure of a job that was! My co-workers threw me a little going-away party; it was so bittersweet. It's tough when you start to lean on and really come to care for those you work with.... and you know you have to leave. But, hey, now we can all be buddies on Facebook, haha.







Starting tomorrow, I'm saying farewell to meat for three months. I'm needing a change in my life so I'm gonna do something drastic, like go Veg for a bit. It's not that I have some passionate agenda against eating meat... steak's my favorite! But, I figure I'll never know what it feels like to be vegetarian until I try it. So tomorrow's my first day.




Apparently what I'm going to do is going vegan! I think being vegan is more of a religious, spiritual thing... and that's so not me! But, I am saying toodles to anything that has a face or a developing face! Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

Acceptance

Worthless. Wasted flesh. Whore.

Those words, those fucking words, rang through my head as I tried desperately to drown them out with Rob Zombie's voice.

Worthless.

I couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't make it stop. I ran harder. I ran faster. My right knee was throbbing, screaming, begging me to stop. I ignored it. I pushed further. One mile? Done. I was still sobbing, crying like a forgotten bitch. I kept going.

Wasted flesh.

Again and again those words. Everybody's seen you; why should it matter now? You never talked to me. You talked to everyone else. You wanted everyone else. You're on your own now.
Three miles, done.

Jesus Christ, even my dog is whimpering now. My knees has gone numb. I can't gulp enough air in to fuel my sobbing. Five miles...

Whore.

Down to my knees, I fell. But this time there was nothing sexual about it. Broken. Defeated. Shattered... I wailed there, right there in the middle of the road in broad daylight. The tiny bits of rocks and small gravel dug into my bare flesh.

I don't know if I still believe in you; fuck, I really don't think I do. But damnit, if you're there, if you're really as aware and big as they all fucking say you are... I've got nothing left.

Worthless.

Wasted flesh.

Whore.

Tears that earlier stubbornly refused to fall finally cease. I scratched my dog's head and smiled at him. He raised his ears and glanced towards home. I nodded and got up. Slowly, intentionally, I walked home.

Acceptance.

Long Way to Happy

One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Left my childhood behind

In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
too young to know i had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lose it
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long, long, long, long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
'cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

I was informed....

.... the world does NOT, I repeat, NOT revolve around me.

Shocked? Me too! But apparently, it's true.

I'm Ready

You know what I love more than anything else -- revelation.

That kinda sounds odd, but revelation, the opening of one's eyes, truly seeing something for what it was, is, and will be... is freeing in the most beautiful of ways. Even in the death of what was once my life, there's tremendous revelation. I can now say that I know precisely what I want and exactly what I won't settle for.

A month ago, I couldn't have done the things I've done in the past four weeks. Two months ago, I thought I knew how this would all play out; I thought I knew what strength was. Three months ago, I was convinced that this was all my fault.

Today, though, today I have revelation. Sure, life isn't peachy keen at the moment, and who knows how long it'll be before it gets back there. But, fucking hell, I'm still breathing! The things that I knew for sure would torment me forever no longer do.

In January, on the first I think, I said I was ready to face 2010 and everything that comes with it... I know what that means now. I'm ready to face the end of this chapter, ready to close it and move on. I'm ready to face moving back to Alaska on my own; I'm ready to face long, lonely nights in my own bed. But most importantly, I'm ready to face being my boys' mom... on my own. I'm ready to make them my priority; I'm ready to give my all to them.

With these new revelations, I am ready.